YOUR COMICAL COUSIN, JANE

Act 1, scene 2, continued

 

Backstage.
Cassandra-Whew, somehow I’m just exhausted. But Jane, that was fun, just as you said.
Jane-You performed it beautifully. I hope the audience enjoyed all the pieces.
9
Martha-Didn’t you hear them laugh, and the applause?
Jane-Why on earth did he have to sit in the front row? He must think I’m very frivolous to have written this nonsense.
Cassandra-Do you mean Mr. Lefroy? I watched him for a while, and he seemed to be enjoying it. I mean, he was really laughing. Don’t think ill of him, Jane, before you know anything about him. I think you are quite prejudiced against him already.
Jane-He was laughing at me, not at the jokes, you know-I’ve never been so embarrassed. I don’t know how I can face him again. He has no idea that I’m really a serious writer now. Oh, why did he have to come?
Cassandra-Now wait, Jane. Do I detect a need for Mr. Lefroy’s approval? Are your romantic sensibilities overcoming you, O Miss Marianne? He’s very handsome, but you know what Madame told us. Just be polite to him, as we are polite to all, and he’ll be off to London in a few short weeks. We’ll probably never see him again. Let’s not let him spoil our fun. It is fun, is it not, Jane? You seem to be having a good time.
Jane-You’re right. I must stop thinking about him. I’m doing this for those I truly love, not for some passing stranger.
Knocking
Jane-Entrez, s’il vous plait!
Tom (comes in holding a bouquet of wild flowers)-I know you’re supposed to wait until the end of the play to give flowers, but I’m having such a good time I couldn’t wait to thank the author-you know now how impatient I can be. (bows low). Really, Miss Austen, Cassandra “placed a bonnet on his head” and “pushed down the pastry cook”! Rebecca’s “greazy tresses and swelling back”! (laughs) I can’t get your words out of my head. However do you think of such things?
Jane-Oh, thank you, Mr. Lefroy, and thank you for the flowers. Maybe it’s not so bad to be impatient. But as for the words-these pieces are nothing to me now. They’re only the musings of a much younger girl. I now write far more serious works, nothing with music of course.
Tom-Music? Will there be music? I hope there will be some Irish pieces. Please excuse me, Miss Austen, I hear my aunt saying intermission is over-I’d better go. But I look forward to hearing more of your words, and your music. (he leaves)
Jane-(to Cassie) All right, maybe I was hasty in judging Mr. Lefroy. I do feel better about putting on Lesley Castle now, even with him in the audience. It’s longer than the other pieces-I hope it holds everyone’s interest. Mme. Lefroy-We are now ready for our second half of the show. We will begin with Lesley Castle, which consists of letters. Miss Jane Austen will read the part of Miss Margaret Lesley and Miss Martha Lloyd plays Miss Matilda Lutterell.

(Stage-one side of the stage has a piano-forte, the other side of the stage has a linen chest, 10 chairs, a table with a great deal of food on it, and a bed)-

Mme. Lefroy- -A letter from Miss M. Lesley to Miss C. Lutterell Jane (near the piano forte)-Matilda (Althea) and I continue secluded from Mankind in our old and Mouldering Castle. But tho' retired from almost all the World (for we visit no one but the (sing-song voice) M'Leods, the M'Kenzies, the M'Phersons, the M'Cartneys, the M'donalds, The M'Kinnons, the M'lellans, the M'Kays, the Macbeths and the Macduffs-we are neither dull nor unhappy; on the contrary there never were two more lively, more agreable, or more witty Girls than we are; not an hour in the Day hangs heavy on our hands. We read, we work, we walk and when fatigued with these Employments releive our spirits, either by a lively song, a graceful Dance, or by some smart bon-mot, and witty repartée. (Jane sings a Scottish song (Fhear a Bhata) while Alethea dances.

(Thomas Lefroy noisily moves his chair forward as he watches her with great interest. When the song ends on “O fare thee well, love, where'er thee be”, they look at each other and Jane can’t remember the next line).
Alethea (whispers)-We are handsome…

Jane (regains composure)-We are handsome, my dear Charlotte, very handsome and the greatest of our Perfections is, that we are entirely insensible of them ourselves. It is my sensibility for the sufferings of so many amiable Young Men, my Dislike of the extreme Admiration I meet with, and my Aversion to being so celebrated both in Public, in Private, in Papers, & in Printshops, that are the reasons why I cannot more fully enjoy the Amusements, so various and pleasing, of London. How often have I wished that I possessed as little personal Beauty as you do; (sigh) that my figure were as inelegant; my face as unlovely; and my Appearance as unpleasing as yours! (pause) But ah! what little chance is there of so desirable an Event;
Jane and Alethea bow to applause.
Mme. Lefroy-Miss Martha Lloyd will now read the part of Miss Charlotte Lutterell, Miss Austen plays the part of Eloisa, Mister Henry Austen plays Henry, Miss Catherine Bigg plays Henry’s mother, Mrs. Diana Hervey and Miss Elizabeth Bigg plays the part of Mrs. Lutterell. A Letter from Miss C. Lutterell to Miss M. Lesley

Martha (near the piano forte)-Mama always found me her best Scholar, tho' when Papa was alive Eloisa was his. Never, to be sure, were there two more different Dispositions in the World. We both loved Reading. She preferred Histories, & I Recipes. She loved drawing Pictures, and I drawing pullets. No one could play a better Song than She (Cassandra plays “Hole in the Wall”, continues quietly throughout) and no one make a better Pye than I (Martha shows a pie). -- And so it has always continued since we have been no longer Children. The only difference is that all disputes on the superior excellence of our Employments then so frequent are now no more. We have for many years entered into an agreement always to admire each other's works; I never fail listening to her Music, & she is as constant in eating my pies. Such at least was the case till Henry Hervey (Henry enters and listens to Eloisa play piano) made his appearance in Sussex. Before the arrival of his Aunt in our neighbourhood, where she established herself, you know, about a twelvemonth ago, his visits to her had been at stated times, and of equal & settled Duration; but on her removal to the Hall which is within a walk from our House, they became both more frequent & longer. This, as you may suppose, could not be pleasing to Mrs. Diana (Catherine enters) who is a professed Enemy to everything which is not directed by Decorum and Formality. Catherine looks on unhappily)The alteration in my Sister's behaviour which I have before hinted at, now took place. The Agreement we had entered into of admiring each others productions she no longer seemed to regard, & tho' I constantly applauded even every Country-dance She play'd, yet not even a pidgeon-pye of my making could obtain from her a single word of approbation. This was certainly enough to put any one in a Passion; however, I was as cool as a Cream-cheese and having formed my plan & concerted a scheme of Revenge; I was determined to let her have her own way & not even to make her a single reproach. My Scheme was to treat her as she treated me, and tho' she might even draw my own Picture or play “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” (which is the only tune I ever really like) not to say so much as "Thank you Eloisa"; tho' I had for many years constantly hollowed whenever she played: (Eloisa now plays, loudly, “Air in G” by Henry Purcell while Martha shouts bravo, bravissimo, encora, da capo, allegretto, con expressione, andante, fortissimo, arpeggio, coda, glissando and poco presto throughout. Eloisa stops playing in the middle and glares at Martha, who then claps loudly.)

Martha-All of these outlandish words, as Eloisa told me, expressive of my Admiration; and so indeed I suppose they are, as I see some of them in every Page of every Music book, being the Sentiments, I imagine, of the Composer. I executed my Plan with great Punctuality; I can not say success, for Alas! my silence while she played seemed not in the least to displease her; on the contrary, she actually said to me one day: Cassandra-Well Charlotte, I am very glad to find that you have at last left off that ridiculous custom of applauding my Execution on the Harpsichord till you made my head ake, & yourself hoarse. I feel very much obliged to you for keeping your Admiration to yourself. Martha-I never shall forget the very witty answer I made to this speech. (Turns to Eloisa) "Eloisa, I beg you would be quite at your Ease with respect to all such fears in future, for be assured that I shall always keep my Admiration to myself & my own pursuits, & never extend it to yours." This was the only very severe thing I ever said in my Life; not but that I have often felt myself extremely satirical, but it was the only time I ever made my feelings public.

Mme. Lefroy-A Letter from Miss C. Lutterell to Miss M. Lesley
Martha-My sister Eloisa’s wedding has been cancelled, as you might know, because her groom-to-be, Henry Hervey, has died. But, imagine how great the Dissapointment must be to me, when you consider that after having laboured both by Night and Day, in order to get the Wedding dinner ready by the time appointed, after having roasted Beef, Broiled Mutton, and Stewed Soup enough to last the new-married Couple through the Honey-moon, I had the mortification of finding that I had been Roasting, Broiling and Stewing both the Meat and Myself to no purpose. Indeed, my dear Freind, I never remember suffering any vexation equal to what I experienced on last Monday when my Sister, Eloisa, (Cassandra) came running to me in the Store-room with her face as White as a Whipt syllabub, and told me: Cassandra (very agitated)- My husband has been thrown from his Horse, has fractured his Scull and has been pronounced by his Surgeon to be in the most emminent Danger.
Martha-“Good God! you don't say so? Why what in the name of Heaven will (pause, then emphasize) become of all the Food? We shall never be able to eat it while it is good. However, we'll call in the Surgeon to help us. -- I shall be able to manage the Sir-loin myself; my Mother will eat the Soup, and You and the Doctor must finish the rest." Here I was interrupted, by seeing my poor Sister fall down, (Cassie falls onto the chest) to appearance Lifeless, upon one of the Chests, where we keep our Table linen. My Mother and I continued in the room with her, and when any intervals of tolerable Composure in Eloisa would allow us, we joined in heartfelt lamentations on (pause) the dreadful Waste in our provisions which this Event must occasion, and in concerting some plan for getting rid of them. We agreed that the best thing we could do was to begin eating them immediately. We called in the servants, a Chairwoman, our Landlady, her husband and three children. We instantly began our Devouring Plan on them with great Alacrity. (All performers sit down and pretend to eat a huge amount of food very quickly, making a lot of noise-At the end, they roll off their chairs, groaning and holding their stomachs.)
All bow to applause.

Jane (to Mme. Lefroy)-James isn’t back here yet for the next piece. I’m a little worried. He barely agreed to do it. I’m afraid he changed his mind now, but we need 4 men. Let me see what I can do. (Goes to James in the audience. Whispers) You know The Visit, my play, is next, James, and you agreed to play the part of Sir Arthur. We need 4 men for this play.
James-Well, I guess I agreed to this yesterday, but I must say you forced me to say yes with all your begging. Honestly, Jane, in front of all of our neighbors? I’m surprised you can go through with this silliness-have you no sense of decorum? Besides, public performances give actors a false sense of pride. I must preserve my sense of humility.
Jane-Your sense of humility-in front of whom? This isn’t the Globe Theater, James! (Pause, Jane sighs) Oh very well, we’ll do another piece for now. The History of England only needs 10 performers. (to Mme. Lefroy) We have to do the History of England, which is very long, instead of The Visit. I hope the audience will like it. No time to explain. (Back stage) All right everyone. James can’t be in the play, so we are changing the last piece-we are now doing the History of England. Here are all of your parts and your crowns. (pass them out.) I know we didn’t practice this one, but all you have to do is read them anyway. It’ll be fine-just please speak very distinctly and slowly, and with animation, so people will hear the jokes. This is especially important for the charade. Also, girls who are playing men, lower your voices as best you can. Well, here we go then.
Cassie-What was all that about James’ humility?

Jane- He apparently needs to preserve what little humility he has (they giggle). But nothing is more deceitful than the appearance of humility. James is simply embarrassed to do this! So now I feel even more embarrassed than I did before.
Mary-You can’t do this to me. I don’t like when plans change and I don’t feel ready. Someone else will have to do my part. (Sweetly) Francis, you speak so eloquently, you can take my part.
Martha-My dear little sister! I don’t like to be pushy with you but this piece requires all ten of us. It’s ever so short and you’ll just read it anyway. Think how proud mother will be of you, and you’ll have your kippers on buttered toast right after this reading!
Mary-Well, only if I can wear your crown; it’s much prettier than mine. (Martha hands her her crown) All right then.

 

Mme. Lefroy-Our next and last essay for today is entitled The History of England from the reign of Henry the 4th to the death of Charles the 1st By a partial, prejudiced, & ignorant Historian. There will be very few Dates in this History. Many sources are cited for this history, mainly Shakespeare and the opinions of Jane’s family and friends.
(All read from paper, as if it’s the first time they’ve read it, with confused glances at Jane, giggles, and some comments)

Henry as Henry the 4th-HENRY the 4th ascended the throne of England much to his own satisfaction in the year 1399. Be this as it may, he did not live for ever, but falling ill, his son the Prince of Wales came and took away the crown; whereupon the King made a long speech, for which I must refer the Reader to Shakespear's Plays, & the Prince made a still longer.

Francis as Henry the 6th (laughs intermittently throughout the speech) I CANNOT say much for this Monarch's Sense -- Nor would I if I could, for he was a Lancastrian. I suppose you know all about the Wars between him and & The Duke of York, who was of the right side; If you do not, you had better read some other History, for I shall not be very diffuse in this, meaning by it only to vent my Spleen against, & shew my hatred to all those people whose parties or principles do not suit with mine, and not to give information. There were several Battles between the Yorkists & Lancastrians, in which the former (as they ought) usually conquered.
Mary-(whispers loudly)-So well done, Francis!
Charles as Edward the 4th THIS Monarch was famous only for his Beauty & his Courage, of which his undaunted Behaviour (melodramatically) in marrying one Woman while he was engaged to another is sufficient proof. One of Edward's Mistresses was Jane Shore, who has had a play written about her, (dismissively)but it is a tragedy & therefore not worth reading.

Mary (with no expression) as Henry the 7th-Henry the 7th had two sons & two daughters. The Youngest, Mary, had one daughter, afterwards the Mother of Lady Jane Gray, who tho' inferior to her lovely Cousin the Queen of Scots, was yet an amiable young woman & famous for reading Greek while other people were hunting. His Majesty died & was succeeded by his son Henry whose only merit was his not being quite so bad as his daughter Elizabeth. What, what do you mean by that, Jane?
Martha as Henry the 8th (whispers: please get off stage Mary!) It will be saving the readers the task of reading again what they have read before, & myself the trouble of writing what I do not perfectly recollect, by giving only a slight sketch of the principal Events which marked this monarch’s reign. Tho' I do not profess giving many dates, yet as I think it proper to give some & shall of course make choice of those which it is most necessary for the Reader to know, I think it right to inform him that Anna Bullen’s letter to the King was dated on (pause for emphasis) the 6th of May. The Crimes & Cruelties of this Prince were too numerous to be mentioned (as this history I trust has fully shown); & nothing can be said in his vindication, but that his abolishing Religious Houses & leaving them to the ruinous depredations of time has been of infinite use to the landscape of England in general, (pause)which probably was a principal motive for his doing it, since otherwise why should a Man who was of no Religion himself be at so much trouble to abolish one which had for Ages been established in the Kingdom?

Catherine as Edward the 6th-As this prince was only nine years old at the time of his Father's death, he was considered by many people as too young to govern. The Duke of Northumberland had the care of the King & the Kingdom, & performed his trust of both so well that the King died & the Kingdom was left to his daughter in law the Lady Jane Grey, who has been already mentioned as reading Greek. Whether she really understood that language or whether such a study proceeded only from an excess of vanity for which I beleive she was always rather remarkable, is uncertain. Whatever might be the cause, she preserved the same appearance of knowledge, & contempt of what was generally esteemed pleasure, during the whole of her Life, for she declared herself displeased with being appointed Queen, and while conducting to the scaffold, she wrote a sentence in latin & another in Greek on seeing the dead Body of her Husband (slower) accidentally passing that way. Really Jane!
Elizabeth as Mary-This woman had the good luck of being advanced to the throne of England, inspite of the superior pretensions, Merit & Beauty of her Cousins Mary Queen of Scotland & Jane Grey. Nor can I pity the Kingdom for the misfortunes they experienced during her Reign, since they fully deserved them, for having allowed her to succeed her Brother — which was a double peice of folly, since they might have foreseen that as she died without Children, she would be succeeded by that disgrace to humanity, that pest of society, Elizabeth. (whispers “do you really mean that, Jane?)Many were the people who fell martyrs to the protestant Religion during her reign; I suppose not fewer than a dozen.
Cassandra as Elizabeth I-It was the peculiar misfortune of this Woman to have bad Ministers —— Since wicked as she herself was, she could not have committed such extensive Mischeif, had not those vile & abandoned Men connived at, & encouraged her in her Crimes. Oh! what must Mary Queen of Scots, whose only freind was then the Duke of Norfolk, and whose only ones are now Mr Whitaker, Mrs Lefroy (Mme. Lefroy stifles a laugh), Mrs Knight & myself, who was abandoned by her Son, confined by her Cousin, abused, reproached & vilified by all, what must not her most noble mind have suffered when informed that Elizabeth had given orders for her Death!
Alethea as James the 1st- Though this King had some faults, among which & as the most principal, was his allowing his Mother's death, yet considered on the whole I cannot help liking him. I once heard an excellent sharade on the word Carpet, of which the subject I am now reminds me, and as I think it may afford my Readers some amusement to find it out, I shall here take the liberty of presenting it to them. Sharade My first is what my second was to King James the 1st, and you tread on my whole.
The principal favourites, or pets, of his Majesty were Car (pause), who was afterwards created Earl of Somerset and whose name perhaps may have some share in the above-mentioned Sharade. On his Majesty's death he was succeeded by his son Charles. So, CAR-PET is the answer!
Jane as Charles the 1st-This amiable Monarch seems born to have suffered Misfortunes equal to those of his lovely Grandmother, Mary Queen of Scots; Misfortunes which he could not deserve since he was her descendant. Never certainly were there before so many detestable Characters at one time in England as in this period of its History; Never were amiable Men so scarce. The number of them throughout the whole Kingdom amounting only to five. The Events of this Monarch's reign are too numerous for my pen, and indeed the recital of any Events (except what I make myself) is uninteresting to me; my principal reason for undertaking the History of England being to prove the innocence of the Queen of Scotland, which I flatter myself with having effectually done. As therefore it is not my intention to give any particular account of the distresses into which this King was involved through the misconduct & Cruelty of his Parliament, I shall satisfy myself with vindicating him from the Reproach of arbitrary & tyrannical Government with which he has often been charged. This, I feel, is not difficult to be done, for with one argument I am certain of satisfying every sensible & well disposed person whose opinions have been properly guided by a good Education — & this argument is that (pause) HE WAS A STUART.
(All bow to great applause, people standing up cheering)

 

Mme. Lefroy-And that ends our plays for today. Please find tea on the sideboard, and return tomorrow for the conclusion of these performances of Jane Austen’s satirical plays and essays.
Jane (to Cassandra)-I’ve never felt so undignified in my life-nothing that was said today is of any real importance. As you well know, (melodramatically) I’m unwilling to speak, unless I expect to say something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to posterity with all the éclat of a proverb. (laughs) But what we’ve performed today are hardly proverbs, as James has made clear to me. Cassandra-Jane, you don’t make allowance enough for difference of situation and temper. James is older and of a very serious nature-those are his views. Don’t let his views spoil your own. You know this has been a great success and, yes, you can now be a serious writer!
Jane-But can I really? (pause) Maybe instead of writing frivolous essays, I’ll seriously write frivolous novels.
Cassandra-You’ll do what you do best, that’s all Jane.
Mme. Lefroy-Jane, they’re calling for the author. Come out and meet your fans!
Mary-Francis, wait for me please! (runs over to Francis)
All are served tea, and they talk and laugh, many congratulating Jane. Tom Lefroy quickly comes to Jane’s side and sits with her, talking animatedly.