YOUR COMICAL COUSIN, JANE

Act 1, scene 2. Inside the Lefroy Home, set up as a stage facing the audience, and a sidestage area, with a long table by the audience. One row of chairs for their “audience” is set up, backs to the audience, along the front of the stage, as the first row, with the real audience making up the rest. Mr. and Mrs. Austen, Mr. Lefroy, and Thomas Lefroy are seated. Mme. Lefroy is standing to address the audience from one side, and Jane and the other players are on the other side.

Jane-Now don’t be nervous. You have your lines right in your hands if you forget them. It will be fun. I truly do appreciate all you’ve done to prepare for this. You are my dearest brothers: Francis, George, Charles, and my precious sister Cassandra (hugs Cassandra). And, of course, my dear friends! Well, I guess it’s time. Martha, please help me with my “swelling back”. All right, shawl in place. Is my hair messed up enough?
Martha-You’re no less than stunning.
Jane-And I’ll probably stun the audience, too! Why, oh why is Mister Lefroy in the front row, right there with my mother and father, when I’m looking this bad?
Mary-Jane, you look simply ridiculous!
Martha-No no-you just look like the comical Jane we all love.
Jane-Thank you, Martha, I guess. Oh, Madame is beginning-it’s too late now for regrets. Let’s get into our places.
(Martha is Elfrida and Francis is Frederic, on one side of the stage. Elizabeth is Mrs. Fitzroy, Cassandra is Jezalinda and Jane is Rebecca, on the other side of the stage )

Mme. Lefroy-It is my happy duty today to welcome you to the first of two performances of excerpts from Miss Jane Austen’s early writings, when she referred to herself as a ”comical cousin”, as indeed she is. (Jane clears her throat, Mme. looks back at Jane, Jane nods) or at least she was. Of course, Miss Austen is now concerned only with writing serious pieces, but today we will enjoy her youthful comedies. The first is entitled Frederic and Elfrida, written when she was only twelve years old. The performers will act out what I will be reading:
THE Uncle of Elfrida (Martha) was the Father of Frederic (Francis); in other words, they were first cousins by the Father's side. They were exceedingly handsome and so much alike, that it was not every one who knew them apart. Nay, even their most intimate freinds had nothing to distinguish them by, (pause) but the shape of the face, the colour of the Eye, the length of the Nose, & the difference of the complexion (Martha and Francis illustrate this on their faces, then look at each other). Elfrida, Frederic, and her very amiable friend, Charlotte (Mary), went to pay their respects to Mrs. Fitzroy (Alethea) & her two Daughters, Jezalinda (Cassandra) and Rebecca (Jane). On being shewn into an elegant dressing room, ornamented with festoons of artificial flowers, they were struck with the engaging Exterior & beautifull outside of Jezalinda, the eldest of the young Ladies; but e'er they had been many minutes seated, the Wit & Charms which shone resplendent in the conversation of the amiable Rebecca enchanted them so much, that they all with one accord jumped up and exclaimed: Martha, Alethea, Francis (together, with great expression)-Lovely & too charming Fair one, notwithstanding your forbidding Squint, your greazy tresses & your swelling Back, which are more frightfull than imagination can paint or pen describe, I cannot refrain from expressing my raptures, at the engaging Qualities of your Mind, which so amply atone for the Horror with which your first appearance must ever inspire the unwary visitor. Mme. Lefroy-Then making a profound Curtesy to the amiable & abashed Rebecca, they left the room & hurried home. From this period, the intimacy between the Families of Fitzroy, Drummond, and Falknor daily increased, till at length it grew to such a pitch, that they did not scruple to kick one another out of the window on the slightest provocation (Cassandra kicks Alethea, Martha kicks Mary and she falls down and cries out). During this happy state of Harmony, the eldest Miss Fitzroy ran off with the Coachman (Charles comes onstage and runs off with Cassandra) & the amiable Rebecca was asked in marriage by Captain Roger of Buckinghamshire. (Henry (in a grey wig) brings flowers, walking unsteadily with a cane, tries to go on one knee but falls over) Mrs. Fitzroy did not approve of the match on account of the tender years of the young couple, Rebecca being but 36 & Captain Roger little more than 63 (Elizabeth shakes her finger and her head at them). To remedy this objection, it was agreed that they should wait a little while till they were a good deal older. The End
(All performers bow to applause.)

Mary-Martha, you weren’t supposed to kick me so hard!
Martha-I barely touched you, Mary-must you complain about everything?
Jane-Quick now, Martha. Please help get this “swelling back” off of me, and hand me my brush. There, thank you. And Charles, where is your bright green coat? All right, now you look like the glorious Charles Adams!

Mme. Lefroy-(to the performers) Are you all ready? (to the audience) We will now perform a short excerpt from “Jack and Alice”. (Stage has eight chairs in the middle) Mme. Lefroy-MR. JOHNSON (Francis) was once upon a time about 53; in a twelve-month afterwards he was 54, which so much delighted him that he was determined to celebrate his next Birthday by giving a Masquerade to his Children & Freinds. Accordingly on the Day he attained his 55th year, tickets were dispatched to all his Neighbours to that purpose. His acquaintance indeed in that part of the World were not very numerous, as they consisted only of Lady Williams (Cassandra bows), Mr. & Mrs. Jones (Henry and Alethea bow), Charles Adams (Charles, in a green coat, is standing proudly center stage, he bows) & the 3 Miss Simpsons (Jane, Elizabeth, and Catherine bow), who composed the neighbourhood of Pammydiddle & formed the Masquerade. In Lady Williams every virtue met (Cassandra slowly walks across the stage). She was a widow with a handsome Jointure & the remains of a very handsome face. (continues in a song-song voice) Tho' Benevolent & Candid, she was Generous & sincere; Tho' Pious & Good, she was Religious & amiable, & Tho Elegant & Agreable, she was Polished & Entertaining. They all came to the Masquerade. (All put on masks, except Charles, who is now seated center stage with his back to the audience.) Of the Males, a Mask representing the Sun was the most universally admired. (all but Charles pick up their chairs and crowd together in one corner of the stage, while pointing to and commenting on the “sun mask”). The Beams that darted from his Eyes were like those of that glorious Luminary, tho' infinitely superior. So strong were they that no one dared venture within half a mile of them; he had therefore the best part of the Room to himself, its size not amounting to more than 3 quarters of a mile in length & half a mile in breadth. The Gentleman at last finding the feirceness of his beams to be very inconvenient to the gathering, by obliging them to croud together in one corner of the room half shut his eyes, (pause, while Charles slowly turns to face the audience) by which means the Company discovered him to be Charles Adams in his plain green Coat, (slowly) without any mask at all. (All bow to applause.)

Jane-Elizabeth, remember your apron, and please roll on the pastry cart. Charles, you didn’t sit on the bonnet, did you?
Cassandra-Don’t worry Charles, I have another one. Dear me, that bonnet looks beyond repair.
Charles-Why am I so clumsy? (shutting his eyes) That’s what happens when you are obliged to shut your eyes just to be near your dear sisters. I do need a giant room a mile wide and a mile long, so I can be properly admired-and not cause any trouble.
Henry-Methinks the wide open seas suit you for that purpose, O admirable Charles!
Jane-Methinks you mean Admiral Charles! (Charles salutes smartly while all giggle)

Mme. Lefroy-(to the performers) Shhhh! (to the audience) Our last piece before intermission is a short play entitled “The Beautifull Cassandra”, starring Miss Cassandra Austen (players act out the play). CASSANDRA was the Daughter & the only Daughter of a celebrated Millener (Jane) in Bond Street. Her father was of noble Birth, being the near relation of the Dutchess of Gloucester's (pause) Butler.
WHEN Cassandra had attained her 16th year, she was lovely & amiable, & chancing to fall in love with an elegant Bonnet her Mother had just compleated, bespoke by the Countess of York, she placed it on her gentle Head & walked from her Mother's shop to make her Fortune. THE first person she met, was the Viscount of Northumberland (Charles), a young Man, no less celebrated for his Accomplishments & Virtues, than for his Elegance & Beauty. She curtseyed & walked on. SHE then proceeded to a Pastry-cook's (Elizabeth), where she devoured six ices, refused to pay for them, knocked down the Pastry Cook (Elizabeth falls down) & walked away. SHE next ascended a Hackney Coach & ordered it to Hampstead, where she was no sooner arrived than she ordered the Coachman (Henry) to turn round & drive her back again. BEING returned to the same spot of the same Street she had set out from, the Coachman demanded his Pay. SHE searched her pockets over again & again; but every search was unsuccessfull. No money could she find. The man grew peremptory. She placed her bonnet on his head & ran away. THRO' many a street she then proceeded & met in none the least Adventure, till on turning a Corner of Bloomsbury Square, she met (pause) Maria (Martha). CASSANDRA started & Maria seemed surprised; they trembled, blushed, turned pale & passed each other in a mutual silence. CASSANDRA was next accosted by her freind the Widow (Alethea), who squeezing out her little Head thro' her less window, asked her how she did? Cassandra curtseyed & went on. A QUARTER of a mile brought her to her paternal roof in Bond Street, from which she had now been absent nearly 7 hours. SHE entered it & was pressed to her Mother's bosom by that worthy Woman (Jane). Cassandra smiled & whispered to herself Cassandra-This is a day well spent.

All bow to applause.
Mme. Lefroy-Thank you very much. There will now be an intermission of 10 minutes.